What People May Not Tell You About an Early Miscarriage: Updated

I was doing really well for a few weeks with exercising. I haven't been so great lately. But there is a reason, and it's why I'm posting this on this particular blog. This is for my emotional/mental health. So here goes!

I tend to get a little paranoid over things. So when I started spotting during the fifth week of my pregnancy, I was immediately concerned and terrified. I knew that spotting was a relatively common occurrence in the first trimester, but I still worried-who wouldn't?! Sadly, within the next few days it became obvious that I was having a miscarriage. I believe that knowledge is power, so I started reading whatever I could so I knew what to expect. But experience is the best teacher. Nothing I read could have prepared me for some of the feelings and emotions that I would have. People tend to not talk a lot about miscarriage, because it is a very hard thing. Especially when it is early on in a pregnancy. It's an experience that I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy (not that I have enemies). Unfortunately, it's an experience that a lot of women have to go through. So I was astounded that I couldn't find more articles written by women who had gone through a miscarriage. I started searching harder, and lo and behold I found quite a few blog posts about how miscarriage needs to be talked about more.

And it does. Why does it seem almost taboo to talk about miscarriages? It's a pretty common occurrence, so why is it not okay to be more open about it? Something else that I thought about/was researching, that I think is ridiculous, is this weird thing in our society where we are encouraged not to share our pregnancies early on. Things seriously need to change. Why should a woman have to hide that she is pregnant, just in case she has a miscarriage? I understand that you might not want to tell everyone your pregnant, just to have something go wrong and have to tell everyone that you aren't pregnant anymore... That would be so hard. But sometimes it's easier for people to know—you have support that way.

However, this is a big step for me. I was buying in to the whole, keep miscarriages hush hush thing... But I decided that I wasn't okay with it. So this post will be a LOT of people's first time hearing about my miscarriage. I'm going to jump in with this article. As I was going through my miscarriage, I read a lot about how it's okay to grieve, and a lot about the physical aspects of it, but I wish I could've found something more about the emotions and feelings that you might have. Or just some other things that you don't think about it. So here's what some people may not tell you about a miscarriage—especially an early one.


You might cry... A lot. You might also go back and forth between being okay and being heartbroken.
I was the back and forth. I had immediately gained a bond with the baby growing inside of me, and when I realized that baby wasn't going to live, I was devastated. But I tried/try to be strong. However, there were times when I didn't have it in me and I would just cry. And you know what? That's okay. I was trying so hard to be strong, and trying not to sob uncontrollably, and my wonderful, amazing husband told me that it was okay to cry. And it is. At other times I felt okay. I am okay-I think I'm handling it pretty well. Other times... that's a different story.

You may not want to talk about it, or you may want to tell lots of people.
I leaned a little more toward the not wanting to talk about it. I don't mind people knowing now. The hard part is actually telling people. How do you bring it up? This is, again, something that needs to change. Fortunately, the few people that I told were wonderful. They sent texts to check on me and gave me their love and support. And that was amazing. So even if you don't want to tell a lot of people, tell at least a few people, they'll probably be very supportive.

If you have a child/children already, it will make you more grateful for them and make you love them even more.
I have a little boy who I adore, and during/after my miscarriage, my love and adoration for him grew even more. Sometimes it was difficult, though. Putting my son to bed put me in tears for the first week or so. I loved him so much and wanted so badly to love another child. I'd already started to love the baby growing inside of me and I wanted to be able to put him or her to sleep too... I love and appreciate my sweet boy even more, and I didn't know that was possible.

You might be scared-terrified-rather, to get pregnant again.
It might be a paradox of feelings, really. I'm scared to get pregnant again because I'm afraid that this will happen again. But I'm also scared that I won't get pregnant again. It's difficult to describe. I'm afraid of either outcome. Wanting to have a baby is winning out-especially now. This made us realize just how much we want another baby. But that doesn't change the fact that I am terrified now that this will happen again.

If you've made your first prenatal appointment, canceling it will suck.
I had already made my first appointment. When I started spotting/having the miscarriage, I was talking to my OBGYN office a LOT. I was told to make an appointment for about two weeks after the bleeding started, so they could make sure all was okay and that my body got rid of everything... Canceling my prenatal appointment and setting the one for the miscarriage sucked. It was not a good start to my day. And unfortunately, someone hadn't updated my file, so I got a call from one of the nurses with questions about the miscarriage, so I had to go through everything again. Things like that will make it harder, but you'll be okay.

Seeing pregnant women, even on social media, might put you in tears.
I'm still struggling with this one sometimes. I go to church on Sunday and there are SO many women who are pregnant. My first Sunday after my miscarriage was really rough. There were a ton of women around me with burgeoning bellies, and I was so happy for them, and so sad for myself. How I wanted that! I sat down next to my husband in Sunday School and tried not to break down. It's okay to feel that way. I have to keep reminding myself of that.

If you're fortunate enough to be married and have a supportive husband to help you through a miscarriage, it might bring you closer.
Mutual heartache can bring you closer if you let it. We needed each other. We had lost a miracle that we had both helped to create. It was devastating for both of us. But we leaned on each other and I love, adore, and respect my husband even more now.

I truly hope this post will help at least one person. But I think that talking about miscarriages needs to be more acceptable and okay. I know that a lot of people just don't know what to say to someone who has had a miscarriage. All you need to say is "I'm so sorry." And maybe give them a hug. They may not want to talk about it, so don't push them. If they want to talk then they will. Let's just be more open about this. If you have a story you'd like to share, leave a comment on here, or on my facebook, or feel free to send me a message.

For my friends and family, the above goes for me. If I want to talk about it, I will. If I don't, don't push me. Sometimes I am totally okay talking about things, and other times I can't talk about it or else I will break into sobs. If you are finding out about my miscarriage now through this post, don't feel hurt that I didn't tell you. Very few people knew before I wrote this.

To those who have been through a miscarriage, I am so sorry, and I hope that you are doing well now. For those currently experiencing a miscarriage, my heart  and love goes out to you. If you ever want or need to talk, I am here.

Update:
It's been a couple months, but I just wanted to update this. I am doing really well, but it doesn't mean I don't hurt and feel sad about having a miscarriage. I definitely do. Church is still hard sometimes because so many women are pregnant/having babies. Which leads me to continue.

Seeing/hearing newborn babies will rip at your heart. 
I was on the way to bringing a new baby into this world... and then suddenly I wasn't. Whenever I hear or see a newborn, or even just a young baby, I want so badly for that to me.

You might try to avoid pregnant women because it's hard to be around them. 
Obviously this isn't totally possible. But there are two women in mine or my husband's family that are pregnant. And I love them dearly. But right now it's hard to be around them, because it reminds me that I should/could have been pregnant right now too. I went to a friend's baby shower, which I knew would be difficult, but I wanted to go anyway. There ended up being three pregnant women there. Not going to lie-I had a little pity party in the car after I left. And then I was fine. It's okay to feel bad and sad, don't push it away. Let yourself feel sad and then move on.

If you have the post mis-carriage check up, it's hard...
Oh my goodness. I went in two weeks after my mis-carriage. I knew it was going to be hard... That doesn't even begin ti describe! Tears were right at the surface the whole time in the waiting room. You're surrounded by pregnant women and pictures on the walls of pregnant women and babies. Wow... If you can manage it, DON'T go alone! Unfortunately my husband really needed to work, so I had to go alone and it made it so much harder. I was relieved to finally go back. I was under control and doing okay, but when the doctor came in to ask how I was doing, tears came a little. I was able to pull them back and get through my checkup. Everything looked good so we talked for a few minutes and then I left. And on my way to my car I cried... Yeah, that appointment seriously sucks!

And with that... I love the office I go to, don't get me wrong. But somewhere along the line the ball got dropped again. So the day before I was supposed to have my first pre-natal appointment I got a text from them reminding me of my appointment the next day. Not cool. And then since I obviously didn't go, I got a text the day after saying I had missed my appointment. That''ll get at your heart pretty quickly!

Your body is starting to change, so be patient. 
Especially if this isn't your first pregnancy, your body will start to change. And apparently a LOT faster if you already have a kid/kids. I had already started to look a little pregnant. When I miscarried my body didn't just go back. I was already trying to get into shape, and this set me back about a month. So be patient with yourself.

You will get better. And you are strong. 
Time heals all. There will still be days that are hard. You'll still wish and want to get pregnant again. But you'll be okay. Your emotions will settle down and things will go almost back to the way they were. Yes, I am doing really well, and I think I handled it pretty well. But having a mis-carriage changes you. You helped create a new person, and then lost them. That's not something that you forget. And you definitely shouldn't be ashamed of it. I still really think that miscarriage should be totally acceptable to talk about. It shouldn't be taboo. So please, please! If you have had a miscarriage, share my post, or just create a new post saying you've had a miscarriage and that you are strong. Because you are. And if this post has helped you in any way, whether you have had a miscarriage or not, please share it! I truly just want to help as many people as I can. It was so hard not really knowing what to expect when I was miscarrying, I want to be able to help other women who are going through it/have gone through it. Thanks for reading.

Just do it!

First off, how awesome is my husband? I have been wanting him to take pictures of me silhouetted in yoga or meditation poses. So he got this awesome picture of me and then tweaked it so I could make it my blog title picture. He put the title on it for me and everything. He's awesome. Anyway...

I meant to write this a week ago, but just got busy and kept putting it off. But no longer! So last Thursday (not this past one but the week before... yeah, I know-REALLY putting it off.), I woke extra early. Not necessarily on purpose, but I had to pee and couldn't fall back to sleep, so I figured, why not get up and do stuff? So I got myself ready and drove to Rock Canyon Park. It's a beautiful park that has a kind of walking path around it, so I went for a couple laps around and then, I did yoga!

Yeah, I know. I do yoga a lot, nothing super new there. What I DON'T do, is do yoga outdoors, knowing that other people might see me. This was amazing for two reasons. Outdoors. On a beautiful, fall-like morning. After a brisk walk. It was wonderful. It was gorgeous and refreshing and just... awesome. The other reason it was so wonderful is, for some reason I've been kind of embarrassed to do yoga outdoors because I'm afraid someone would see me and judge me. Stupid, I know. I really do get how silly that sounds, but I HATE people watching me work out. Except for Spencer and Xavier. I know Spencer doesn't really pay attention, or he likes to look (wink, wink), and Xavier thinks I'm a jungle gym when I do yoga. But other people? Strangers? What?!?! Anyway. I decided that I wasn't going to care if people saw or what they thought. So I did yoga on the top of the hill so I could look out over the valley. And it was amazing. It was the first time I've ever done that, but it will most definitely NOT be the last.

This leads me to my tidbit for this post. Don't care or worry about what other people think. In some way I don't care what people think, but in other ways I do, and I shouldn't. Putting aside what people might think about you is so helpful and confidence building. If you decide that you won't care what people think, it gives you more power, and will allow you to do what you want to do. Story time. When I was younger, I wouldn't want to show child like enthusiasm because I would be afraid of what people would think. I more than make up for that now! My husband comments now on my child like wonder and you know what? I love it. I look back and feel like I missed out because I was embarrassed and afraid of what people might think. Now I don't. And I am so much happier because of it!

So if you're avoiding doing something you want because you're afraid of what people will think, just do it! Say to yourself that you won't care, and that you want to do what you want to do, then do it! It's so rewarding and you will thank yourself. Give yourself some love--you deserve it!